Utter Loss of Control....

What happens when one gets to attached to the figment of the world he has created for himself. There is no worse feeling then when the utter lack of control on the inside is about to seep into the figment world you have created. All the hard work to create the allusion that you are in control could be ruined by just a drop of your inside coming out. outside you have painted yourself as completely in control and without a doubt successful. yes your life seems like the perfect picture, everything goes your way. you have complete control of your surroundings the illusions have come together perfectly and you have manipulated your way to the top. yet inside you are screaming, you are in pain, you feel empty. what all have you achieved if you are truely alone on the inside. it is power, you have the control, and to have this control you have to sacrafice. you cannot be weakened by senseless human emotions that spin webs of illusions that lead to emptiness, or at the very least take the control form you. now the dilemna at hand is if you are willing to cede some of the power of your allusions to so called emotions, desires, and the depravity that comes with them. remember you have the choice to let go and perhaps fall into the allusion we all dream off the one illusion that we could stay in forever or we could be lied to and fall into an illusion that is only superficial and dissolves once you fall in it. leaving you with nothing more then pain and less power over your own allusion. perhaps it is worth the risk, perhaps the emptiness inside of you drives you to a point where you can no longer form false illusions of happiness to fill the void.
yet to me the risk is tempting, the wind blows the light towards me, but it is a false light it seems that shatters my illusion. the emptiness is still there, just that perhaps before there had been a hint of hope. a dream that that one would come and save me form ripping out of my illusion of control. yet its disappointment gives me strength to fight the tearing, pushing my emptiness, true emptiness back into the depths of my heart, and dulling the pain, at least to a tolerable level, were desire has already been locked away. and so i continue in my daily routine of creating the allusion of myself, making illusions towards others that is who i am. perhaps one day my black emptiness will be filled with the desire i want most, but that day is no where near or can not be seen but perhaps lies over the horizon. as the wind changes i feel my illusion building already, covering up what could have been with something new. the illusion continues but the soul lingers on the damned event.. perhaps it was just another lie. ...

truth...lie..causality

desire...

It is said that desire is desire, it cannot be bleached out by the sun, washed away by the ocean or burned away by fire. perhaps there is some truth is this, but then again desire is just another one of mans figments. but yet i question if only such an illusion, then it must be a powerful one. one that can drive a man to do many of things. yet it is an illusion that also fills a mans desire to be drive, to strive for.

but sometimes it is desire that inevitably drives a man to his own created destruction. a place where his mind has created such a real image that he does not know it is not true. perhaps we all find ourselves there at one point or another, some find themselves deeper into the illusion than others, others can in a seconds notice turn of this image and return to our illustrious yet fictitious reality in which we live in. some forget these side worlds of images we create to forget, to find pleasure or to even punish ourselves in.

for me most of the time desire has been something attainable always in the illusionary world where i have most of the control. yet desire has never favored satisfactorily in the event of a real soul. when dealing with entities it becomes so much more complicated, one must consider their reaction and action. yet here is where desire becomes a burden, it starts to affect not only the surface of myself but actually if strong enough the mind and soul, as a poison seeping into my body slowly. it is to the point to where i do not know what the desire was, was it true attraction or has it twisted itself into a concept of possession with no other reason. when desire becomes to deep is when it becomes fatal and most likely unattainable without you giving up power, something the mind is not willing to do.

so for those deep into desire with no point, those who's desire has turned into a twisted poisoned idea deep in their minds, it is here where it starts to hurt. a hurt powerful enough to weaken the person, yet it affects us in different ways. as for me it sparks a hatred, a hatred that hurts me inside. a hatred that sits inside of me but does not let me turn its energy on desire.

as a confession, one desire will never hear, i have to say... i hate the fact that i cannot hate you even though it hurts me deeply not to do so...

all in all at the end it is just another illusion, one that hurts because i have let it hurt me. perhaps one day a true desire will come, one not poisonous, but pure. one with who to create an illusion of worlds not to hid in or hurt oneself in, but to fulfill the desires and harmony of each.. some day

truth...lie...causality

The beginning of the end...

I believe it has finally arrived, the beginning of the end of what used to be the past, and now a step in into what appears to be the future. again i say that with caution because since this is all just an illusion then well there is really no past or future. but then again if there is no future then what are we moving towards? hmm.. well in this illusion we all create for ourselves i am starting to clear my slate, at least the parts i want to clear.

change is coming and change that is good at least i hope. the winds seem to be in my favor for all my endeavours, at least most. as per say i usually get what i put as my goals and my wants, but then again if i didn't i would not be who i am now would I? but then again i suppose that in this illusion as much as it is controlled by me, i should give myself a break. even with that i should be satisfied, which i am but at the same time there is that piece that's lacking. that piece that would set me in perfection, at least for a little time since well perfection only exists for a seconds and then you breath and its gone.

the piece that's missing is always the same piece. it is the cruel doing of fate that usually end up leaving me with an incomplete picture and although i can see the whole picture there still that dark spot that permeates into my thoughts late at night. that inability that haunts me in my dreams deep into the night. cruel fate also tempts me oh so many times, but its usually by moonlight and just more temptations along the illusionistic path formed in front of me.
for now my Persephone is no one, although lately memory has brought thoughts of one of the past. one who was cruelly taken by faith.

faith, to me as cruel as fate yet ignorantly blinding. faith is one of the illusions that most use, including myself to calm people, to bring them into your hand. how hypocritical but yet poetic that my perfection was taken away by the game i so eagerly play. yet for now i am satisfied with what replaces that dark and dreary hole in my existence. this entity fills my void with something warm, but it also brings along its own fate. so let it be clear that its fate is not tied to my illusionistic path. let us remind the ignorant reader that as faith leads the blind, we who control our own illusion control those who are in it. and it is those that realize how to manipulate the illusion are the ones that always win.

so as it seems the lovers end is at the beginning of the end of an unexisting love. perhaps an illusion in an illusion created by the mind and seeded by fate. which grew into a false pretense of completeness but never perfection. and as the winds change direction that illusion within the illusion disappears leaving it poison behind, Not potent enough to cause death and cloud the mind, but diluted enough to let the mind and body feel the warmth of being complete, and perhaps tempting fate at its own game, waiting for the cruel lady's next move with the coming wind...

truth...lie...causality

Its final here..

I think i can feel it as it hit me after a stern talking form the one i can only say has a higher directive then me, the only person who can allude to being called an artificial mother in manners of personal internal conflict. but i do feel it coursing through my veins like dark blood as it engulfs me in a feeling i haven't felt in a long time. i feel in control again, i feel my power come back to me, perhaps it is the effect of the guidance recieved and the actions i was able to get away with of late.

I've felt a lot better for a couple of days as if the poison has stopped its choke hold on my mind. perhaps this is what i needed. but then again with it comes an empty hole, but not in my heart as if i had one in the first place, but still the emptiness is there.

there seems to be a change in the wind if we can believe the wind is real, the breeze is blowing but i can not feel if it is cold or warm.. but then again what is cold or warm in this illusion? good or bad? we shall pretend to see...

truth...lie...causality

And it begins...

if you ask why i am here, all i can answer back to you is do you know why you are here? what could have made you come here and look and read the illusion that are the words that appear on the screen? These words are just pixels on your screen, not even written on a page with ink.. they do not exist..but they do, you are reading them.. but it is all a lie..

much like the words on the page, there is a real me and the me that is the illusion of me at least part of me. from the outside i might seem like the most put together person in the world, but inside there is no control, the thoughts, the fears, the desires consume me..

outside of me i am cool and serene, level headed and attentive, i have to be. i take all the information i can, all the detail even to the smallest thing. why? because that is how i function. the more you know the better position you are in places. by that i mean the better you are at solving problems be it for someone else or for personal gain..

life as a whole is a game.. it is only a game where every move you make changes the outcome no matter how minute it might be. some of us are lucky and things seem to fall into place, at least thats what some people like to think. For me i know better then that, if i believed in that well i'd be a fool, i know that we make our own luck, some better then others.

this brings me to my current situation for example. In life I've usually gotten all that i've strived to fullfil, but i've learned not to be ambitous. fate, faith and chance might have some play in it, but ultimately you are the one that make it happen, and you and only you know when its gone to far, although sometimes one has to be remind.

for the world you have to keep a cool shell on your outside. you don't want to appear to be a mess. you don't want to announce to the world that your out of control. these things are bad it must all be keep inside or else the world will judge you for it.

but then again this brings me to the dilema which one is left to deal with, expression
expression, emotional expression, is hard to portray at least for me. and sometimes it eats me up inside. but then the hurt and pain are a trade off to what i have, sometimes i question weather it is worth it, but at the end the illusions that emotions paint go away and the cold hard truth comes into view.

that mostly happens all the time to me and the emotion can be brushed off, unless we are talking about.. well lets call her persephone, who inside of me is what makes me lose control over my emotions. although persephone as an entity has changed from time to time, the last one has been around for quite a while. this one is different... and that is bad. there are days i feel like all i want is her, but most days i wish i could brush away the emotions she makes bubble inside of me. she is like a poison that intoxicates my mind and kills me slowly. yet i know deep inside me that she will pass because deep inside me i know i will never let my inner self go with her, it is not worth it. perhaps one day i will meet my match. one that i can shed my illusion for, but until then i am driven only by what i have and what i want...

but then again as i said, all of these words are illusions, as might be the thoughts, but that is what i am best at, i see all but you don't see me. that is how i like it to be....

so that is who i am, yet i leave it up to you to decide weather the words you read are an illusion, or that the illusion is the words you read..
perhaps.. but then again i know the answer to that..

truth..lie..causality