And it begins...

if you ask why i am here, all i can answer back to you is do you know why you are here? what could have made you come here and look and read the illusion that are the words that appear on the screen? These words are just pixels on your screen, not even written on a page with ink.. they do not exist..but they do, you are reading them.. but it is all a lie..

much like the words on the page, there is a real me and the me that is the illusion of me at least part of me. from the outside i might seem like the most put together person in the world, but inside there is no control, the thoughts, the fears, the desires consume me..

outside of me i am cool and serene, level headed and attentive, i have to be. i take all the information i can, all the detail even to the smallest thing. why? because that is how i function. the more you know the better position you are in places. by that i mean the better you are at solving problems be it for someone else or for personal gain..

life as a whole is a game.. it is only a game where every move you make changes the outcome no matter how minute it might be. some of us are lucky and things seem to fall into place, at least thats what some people like to think. For me i know better then that, if i believed in that well i'd be a fool, i know that we make our own luck, some better then others.

this brings me to my current situation for example. In life I've usually gotten all that i've strived to fullfil, but i've learned not to be ambitous. fate, faith and chance might have some play in it, but ultimately you are the one that make it happen, and you and only you know when its gone to far, although sometimes one has to be remind.

for the world you have to keep a cool shell on your outside. you don't want to appear to be a mess. you don't want to announce to the world that your out of control. these things are bad it must all be keep inside or else the world will judge you for it.

but then again this brings me to the dilema which one is left to deal with, expression
expression, emotional expression, is hard to portray at least for me. and sometimes it eats me up inside. but then the hurt and pain are a trade off to what i have, sometimes i question weather it is worth it, but at the end the illusions that emotions paint go away and the cold hard truth comes into view.

that mostly happens all the time to me and the emotion can be brushed off, unless we are talking about.. well lets call her persephone, who inside of me is what makes me lose control over my emotions. although persephone as an entity has changed from time to time, the last one has been around for quite a while. this one is different... and that is bad. there are days i feel like all i want is her, but most days i wish i could brush away the emotions she makes bubble inside of me. she is like a poison that intoxicates my mind and kills me slowly. yet i know deep inside me that she will pass because deep inside me i know i will never let my inner self go with her, it is not worth it. perhaps one day i will meet my match. one that i can shed my illusion for, but until then i am driven only by what i have and what i want...

but then again as i said, all of these words are illusions, as might be the thoughts, but that is what i am best at, i see all but you don't see me. that is how i like it to be....

so that is who i am, yet i leave it up to you to decide weather the words you read are an illusion, or that the illusion is the words you read..
perhaps.. but then again i know the answer to that..

truth..lie..causality